10 Funniest Quotes From The Ted Prequel Show


  • The Ted prequel show is full of hilarious lines and great gags, from Ted’s unexpected declaration as “the king of the weiners” to Matty’s sarcastic remark about the last Pringle in the can.
  • The show explores various comedic moments, like John and Ted debating the creepy or tragic options of watching porn together or alone, and Ted’s terrible advice to John about lying in order to impress someone.
  • The characters in the show have memorable lines, such as Matty delivering depressing yet useful wisdom about life and Suze’s inability to keep a secret even in a harmless Halloween game.

Warning: This article contains spoilers for the Ted prequel show.

Seth MacFarlane’s new Ted prequel series is full of hilarious lines, both from Ted himself and from the other colorful characters in the Bennett household. Set in 1993, the Ted TV show revolves around Ted and his best friend John Bennett – the boy who brought him to life with a Christmas wish – growing up together in a Massachusetts suburb. They live with John’s mild-mannered, softly spoken mother Suze, his brash, loudmouthed conservative dad Matty, and his progressive cousin Blaire, who’s staying with the family while she attends college nearby.

As is typical for a MacFarlane project, the Ted prequel show is full of great gags. Blaire can be just as blunt as Ted, while Suze is interminably worried about saying anything even remotely untoward. From Ted’s theory about what happened to the Challenger shuttle to Matty’s scandalous admission about his time in the Vietnam War, the Ted prequel show is jam-packed with unforgettable lines.


Ted Prequel Show Ending Explained

The ending of Seth MacFarlane’s Ted prequel show wraps up the ongoing storylines and ends on a heartwarming note that sums up the series’ message.

10 “I’m The King Of The Weiners!!”

Ted, Episode 2

Ted in a fridge full of weiners in trying to get expelled from school

In episode 2, “Just Say Yes, Part 2,” Ted is forced to go to school with John. He instantly starts trying to get himself expelled so he can go back to his old lifestyle of sitting on the couch and watching game shows all day. When a cook in the cafeteria goes to open the refrigerator full of weiners, Ted bursts out of the fridge and declares himself “the king of the weiners.” It’s a totally unexpected gag that gets a huge laugh, and the terrified cook stumbles back and takes down an entire shelf unit.

9 “Oh, Great, A Pringles Can With One Left – That’ll Be Satisfying!”

Matty, Episode 4

Matty and Susan on the couch in Ted

Matty has a tendency to completely miss the point and fly off the handle. When Susan seductively eats a banana to entice him, all Matty notices is that she’s taken the last banana. He storms into the kitchen, angrily wondering what he can have for a snack if the last banana is gone. All he finds is a Pringles can with one Pringle left and sarcastically yells, “That’ll be satisfying!” A lot of Matty’s enraged moments are funny, but this moment – in which the rage is based on something as trivial as snack availability – is particularly hilarious.

8 “Johnny, We’re Watching Porn. It’s Either Gonna Be Creepy Or Tragic. Those Are The Choices.”

Ted, Episode 4

Ted and John sit on the couch in Ted

In the A-plot of episode 4, “Ejectile Dysfunction,” Ted and John get a pair of fake I.D.s so they can rent a few pornos from the video store. When they get home, they’re not sure if they should watch it together or take turns in shifts. John says that watching porn together in the same room seems a bit “creepy,” but that watching it alone would be “tragic.” Ted bluntly points out that “creepy” and “tragic” are the only options when it comes to watching porn.

7 “I Think I’m Gonna Do It Ted’s Way.” “That Is A Very Self-Destructive Sentence.”

John & Blaire, Episode 8

In the Ted finale – episode 8, “He’s Gotta Have It” – John attempts to woo his love interest, Betheny Borgwort. Ted gives him the terrible advice to lie about his sexual experiences and pretend to be a successful womanizer, while Blaire gives him the much more useful advice to just be himself and let everything else happen naturally. John foolishly decides to “do it Ted’s way,” which Blaire points out is a very self-destructive thing to say. Of course, doing it Ted’s way almost instantly blows up in his face.


Was Blaire In The Ted Movies? Prequel Show Character Explained

Seth MacFarlane’s new Ted prequel series introduces Blaire to the Bennett household. Was Blaire featured in either of the original Ted movies?

6 “Take A Long Look, Johnny. This Is What Life Is.”

Matty, Episode 5

In episode 5, “Subways, Bicycles, and Automobiles,” John is stuck at home on Halloween night while Ted and Blaire are out at a party. When he goes up to his parents’ bedroom to ask his mom if there are any chips in the house, John finds his dad bent over the bed with his pants down as Suze applies ointment to an ostrich bite on his buttock. A deadpan Matty looks his son right in the eye and delivers some depressing but useful wisdom.

5 “I Have Failed In My Role As A Sort Of Jiminy Cricket Figure.”

Ted, Episode 2

When John is caught by Suze with a bag of pot in episode 2, Ted takes full responsibility and admits to failing in his role as “a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure.” Jiminy Cricket is the angel on Pinocchio’s shoulder who guides him throughout his journey. It’s hilarious that Ted sees himself as John’s own personal Jiminy Cricket, and that this is the first time he’s failed in that role, because Ted never offers John any useful wisdom; he almost always encourages him to do the wrong thing.

4 “Because I Have Thoughts Of Men!”

Dennis, Episode 7

Matty standing in John's doorway in Ted

In episode 7, “Loud Night,” Matty unwittingly wishes his toy dump truck Dennis to life. Dennis shares all of Matty’s prejudices, so there’s double the ignorance at the dinner table, which is poorly timed with the revelation that Blaire is in a same-sex relationship with Sarah. Early in the episode, Blaire mentions that the biggest homophobes often turn out to be gay themselves, which ultimately foreshadows the episode’s final twist. As Matty presses Dennis to figure out why he’s so aggressively against Blaire’s relationship, Dennis tearfully confesses to having “thoughts of men.” After all the terrible things Dennis said, this is a hilariously unexpected (and surprisingly moving) turn.

3 “I’ve Hidden A Heath Bar Somewhere In This House.” “Can I Have A Hint?” “I Can’t Do This To You. It’s In The Hamper. I’ll Go Get It.”

Suze & John, Episode 5

Susan gives out candy on Halloween night in Ted

While John is stuck at home on Halloween night, waiting for Ted to come back, Suze tries to cheer him up by telling him she’s hidden a Heath bar somewhere in the house. But Suze is so sweet-natured that when John asks for a hint, she can’t bring herself to deceive her son. She instantly tells him it’s in the hamper and offers to just go and get it. Suze is so wholesome that she can’t even keep a secret in the context of a fun, harmless Halloween game.


Ted Prequel Show Cast & Character Guide

From Seth MacFarlane regulars like Scott Grimes to newcomers like Alanna Ubach, the cast of the Ted prequel show is full of great actors.

2 “I J***** Off A Dog!!”

Matty, Episode 3

Matty confesses his secret to the family in Ted

All throughout the B-plot of episode 3, “My Two Dads,” Matty is worried that when he goes under for his colonoscopy, he’ll reveal his deepest, darkest secret from the Vietnam War. After the procedure, when the rest of the family press Matty for his secret, expecting a terrifying tale of warfare, he yells out, “I j***ed off a dog!!Scott Grimes nails the ensuing monologue as Matty sits down and tells the harrowing story of how his platoon’s dog Scout got an erection in the jungle and Matty “took care” of it to save Scout from getting an infection. Grimes’ grizzled Deer Hunter-like delivery makes this shocking gag land beautifully.

1 “I Don’t Wanna Sound Crazy, But I Think Paramount Might’ve Blown Up The Space Shuttle So They Wouldn’t Have To Make The Movie.”

Ted, Episode 2

Ted looking up in Ted

In the second part of Ted’s pilot episode, to convince Matty to give Blaire a second chance, Ted gives him Rocky’s mouthguard. It was a gift from Sylvester Stallone after a movie project they were working on fell through. It was a buddy cop movie about a musclebound astronaut cop and a wisecracking bear going to space to save Christmas. The project was scrapped after the Challenger exploded. By Ted’s own admission, the script was “total f***ing garbage.” He even goes as far as to speculate that Paramount may have blown up the space shuttle so they wouldn’t have to make the movie.

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